Tonight I Met Up With An Old Friend

Someone who I hadn’t spoken to in a few months. We did not stop communication due to any issues or faults; it was simply just because our lives had gone separate ways. She and I are very similar in many ways, one of which we both have old souls. 

I had discussed with her much of what has happened to me in the past few months. As I spoke about it more, and heard the words flow out my mouth so effortlessly, I realized something; once a person stops doing what’s easy, they will allow inspiration in. This happened to me for several reasons. I had discussed at Kumzits a little of what I had changed in my life and gave one reason why I had changed. I shared how I changed the way I dressed, and explained that I did this because I wanted to be a good role model for my junior NCSYers. I have more than just one reason, and more than just one change I have made in my life this year. 

This I did not speak about at Kumzits. When I spoke, I did mention that if I could just inspire one person, which would be enough for me, still applies now. I haven’t just changed the way I dress, but I’ve changed the way I eat, treat my body, and others around me. 

After speaking with my friend tonight I realized that the best things in life are the ones that are the hardest to do. Doing what your body wants just cause it’s easier, is what I had always done. I have not respected myself in the past, yet I still expected respect back from others. 

I see now that life is all about perception. You can’t expect others to respect you when you don’t respect yourself. I decided that from where I stood in these moments, my perception was wrong. In the past, I had lost my connection with Gd. I came to a point where I didn’t believe in a Gd. This shames me now, even just to think about.  How could I live life with such ignorance? Well, I did.

After being at the juniors’ first convention this year, as an advisor, something struck the inside of my soul.  I had to dress my part as an “advisor”, which meant I had to dress with modesty. At that convention I had a few struggles with some of the juniors, but I realized that they look up to me, even if it’s just for advice and guidance. They look up to me, because I show them they can. 

Life’s all about perception and the way you present yourself to others. 

As I sat there one night at the convention broken down, crying, and simply myself, I felt reconnected. I looked toward something myself for guidance, and that was Gd. After that moment, sitting alone, at my lowest, stripped of all my impurities, I said I needed to change. 

This I have never discussed with anyone, and I did not want to get emotional in front of an audience at Kumzits, so I gave a simpler version of why I changed. In Judaism, if you’re not growing, you’re falling behind. And in my eyes, if you’re not taking something out of a bad experience, you’re leaving something behind. Life’s not about using free will easily. You’re supposed to do what’s hard to do. 

I got Havdallah dedicated to me this past weekend at Conclave, and it was because I did what was hard for me. I changed myself, because I left out taking the easy steps. No one will be able to feel the emotions I had felt these past few months, but just hear me out. 

Life is more than doing what you want. Happiness comes when you do what’s hard. You won’t accomplish this until you experience it the hard way. It’s not easy to do good things and find happiness. But no one ever said it’s easy.

-Natasha Raizel Zucker

Contest Submission #8